Apr 29, 2013

What Was That Again?

This week, Tess takes as her prompt a scene from a wonderful children's story for adults . . .

illustration by Helen Ward 

To begin with a thumping clichĂ© - Simpleforth woke with a start.  "Wha . .?" he cried "Bodger? Wind?"  He added, largely as insurance in case he had woken up during English "Yes sir!" 
The blackboard, and Joe Plug, Head of English, B.A.(Cantab), real name Vradovic Vradovicka, came into focus. "Ahh . . I see young Simpleforth has returned to the fold. Or should I say, the River Bank. Welcome!  We were discussing the role of Badger in the operation 'Reclaim Toad Hall.' Does this ring any bells, Simpleforth, um? Um?"
Privately, Simplforth wondered why the class was required to read this juvenille shite. 'Wind in the Willows.' I ask you.
"Sir, I think he wanted to clear the weasels out of the Hall by nutting them with his stout cudgel. But . . ."
"But, Simpleforth? But?  But the class no buts and cudgel them no cudgels"  
"But cudgelling folk is old fashioned and tends to be messy. Blood spatter. That sort of thing. There are better methods."  Simpleforth was awake now. He knew the value of the dramatic pause, and paused dramatically.
"We're waiting, Major Simpleforth."
"Badger has a secret weapon, sir."  He paused again. The class turned to look at him. 
"Which is?"
"T.B.  It's all over the news, sir. Badgers spread T.B. Their droppings are the vector. So Badger should . . . "
"I think we've heard enough! Badger had his stout cudgel, and his friends, Ratty and Mole. And Mister Toad."
"But sir! Up against weasels a toad would be about as much use as a chocolate teapot. They'd make toadmince of him in no time. Probably molemince and rat, too. Only Badger would stand a chance.  He'd whack a few skulls before he went down, fighting to the last.  Whereas if he made spreading T.B parson partle of  his seige strategy . .  "
"Forgive me interrupting.  Who is Parson Partle?  I don't recollect a parson person in 'Will in the Windows'."
For a moment, Simpleforth was confounded. But only for a moment.
"Oh, sorry, sir.  I was momentarily infected, not by T.B. but by Mrs. Malaprop.  When I said Parson Partle, I meant of course 'part 'n parcel'  . . .  and you meant 'Wind in the Willows' not 'Will in the Windows' just now "

I will end here, friends and followers,  pointing out that it was Jinksy who challenged me to get 'Wind In The Willows', Simpleforth and Parson Partle into this week's Mag. She owes me twenty quid.


19 comments:

  1. But the class no buts and cudgel them no cudgels

    Hehehe! A motto for every teacher, egad. But mincetoad and mincemole? Yum...

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    1. And twenty quid is worth every penny, when it's in payment of such a rising to the occasion of a challenge.

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    2. Thinks:- Could I arrange to pay it a penny a week, though, as times is gettin' hard boys, and the piggy bank is lookin' thin?

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  2. What the world needs now: a chocolate teapot. Well done.

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  3. The English master has forged his Degree Certificate! Cambridge awards M.A's, not B.A.'s.

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  4. Ah, Simpleforth, how I have Miss Chew. Life would be dull without a laugh, wooden tit?

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  5. I vote "no" on cudgelling. Yes on all the rest! Pay up, Jinksy!

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    Replies
    1. But if I write a cheque for such a large sum and it bounces, what then? lol

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    2. I'll send my bouncers to bounce you off the walls HEHEHE!

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    3. O, Doctor! Such cruelty to a little, white haired old lady!

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    4. I didn't get where I am today by being kind to little, white haired old ladies.

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  6. wait wait....Toad in the HOle is delicious as is a Chocolate Teapot! What a fun read Dr FTSE!

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  7. Will in the Windows, indeed...giggle...

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  8. Ha! Right up your alley this one! :-)

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  9. TB or not TB, Mole badgered...

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  10. £20...? Result! Do spend it all at once, accept no payment plan.

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    Replies
    1. Oh, how strict you are - just like a real banker...no sympathy for the impecunious...
      See my reply to Lyn, above. :)

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