Sep 30, 2010

This Little Lamp of Mine.
Lead kindly lamp, amid th'encircling gloom: the ‘lectrics gone.
Can't find my way into my own bedroom: I’ve fallen on
times that are hard and getting harder still
No cash in hand my larder for to fill.

No mates to tap, even for fifty pence - to buy some spuds.
Lately I've found the Bank will not talk sense: I've pawned my goods.
The phone’s been stopped. My credit score has dropped
Financial brink! One more bill and I’ll sink.

I get a sense of all-embracing doom - not far ahead.
Lead kindly lamp into the stygian gloom: I'm off to bed.
That’s the last straw! A draught has spooked the flame!
Typing om s7g dark os nev>rt qui&t the same.

(Karaoke to the tune of:  "Lead Kindly Light")

Sep 27, 2010

Poetry Bus 27th Sept.

Do Not Tell Bedtime Stories after Taking Strong Drink

Hogwarts School is in Toytown,
by famous Gingerbread Cottage
where Three Little Piggies, short and fat
fed poisoned apples to a little prat
called Snow White, who, in disguise
looked like your Granny, you would surmise,
but for her huge white fangs and cloak
of red and four-and-twenty pies.
But of course, this is clearly lies,
which is why your truly has
a long wooden nose. Do you suppose 
some Charming Prince might pass this way
and peering through a shortsighted fog
land me a kiss one day
that turns me into a frog, and say . . .
"Oh Mirror, Mirror on the wall
who is that Beauty in the hall
asleep in her glass box?"
Why, yes!  'Tis Beastly Mister Fox
indulging his life long habit
of hounding poor Brer Rabbit.
And so farewell, my friends.
For time heeds not its own expenditure
and as the Seven Dwarves shoulder their pr***s
(Ooops! Sorry, Kiddies,  I mean their PICKS)
and go to their appointed ends , I 
must mount my broomstick
and fly . .  fly . . . fly . . .

Thanks to Rachel Fox for this week's prompt.

Sep 22, 2010

Pardon . . . ?

From a BBC News Website, Wednesday 22nd September, reporting on the Commonwealth Games due to start in Dehli on 3rd. October.
The Games, which are due to run from 3-14 October, have been beset by concerns over security and facilities.
Safety fears were heightened after a section of false ceiling near the weightlifting area of the main stadium fell in on Wednesday.
No injuries were reported and Indian officials said it was "not something to be worried about".
Worried?  Of course not.  Weightlifters are used to ceilings falling on their heads . . . 

Sep 20, 2010

Great Inventions#207

The "FastCool" Teaspoon(*)

This silly-looking yet ingenious and useful device is
a teaspoon with a large heat-exchanger at the end 
of its handle.    When you are in a hurry to finish 
your breakfast tea or coffee - say when the taxi is 
waiting or the Men in White Coats have called to 
take  you to a place of safety - grab your 
"FastCool" instead  of your ordinary teaspoon and 
stir your tea or coffee like there was no tomorrow.  
Heat conducted up the long handle will be 
dissipated by the large circular wire-mesh 
heat-exchanger and your drink will cool before you 
can say "Typhoo"(*)

(*) Brand of tea much drunk in the UK.

(*)You likely won't have anywhere to store it, but that's true of most of the gadgets you can order on-line from the kitchen catalogues, isn't it, like electric egg-slicers and the cute little mangle you can get for wringing out your used tea-bags before you recycle them?

Sep 18, 2010

A Fresh Look at Big Bang Theory

Professor Einstein fancied eggs for tea,
soft boiled. One day he saucepanned three,
and then, as any half-mad genius would
added some water. “Mmm . . these will taste good,”
he thought. (“Thinking” is what he sometimes did.)
He lit the gas and put the saucepan lid
firmly upon the pan (Here your rhymer
hunts around for one that fits “egg timer.”)

His clockwork one that went ‘tick-tock’ and ‘ping’
when time was up he saw was suffering
from a buckled daisy-wheel and damp. “Alas!
I’ll have to use the old one made of glass.”
He found it in his junkbox on the land-
-ing, blew the dust off , and started the sand
running. Then his jaw dropped and his eyes popped
out. When Big Thoughts strike him, Albert can’t be stopped.
The timer’s sensuous curves that lesser men
might see erotic symbols in, and then
let their thoughts stray to tight-laced corsetiere
made Albert pull strange faces, made him stare.

“Jawohl! Ze sand falls faster, falls mit haste,
falls schnell nicht langsam through ze narrow waist!
Curved space is telling sandgrains how to move!
Vo ist my pad und pencil!  I will prove
that ‘gravity’ means simply ‘going faster.’
Behold! Einstein, the Universe’s Master -
Time’s but an add-on to the concept ‘space’!
A four-legged, four-D never-ending place
for stars to rattle round in.  Oh, Eureka!
Oh Albert . .  You clever old truth seeker!”

So saying he sat at the kitchen table,
wrote out the math as fast as he was able,
sucked on his pencil, fought the calculus,
wrestled in four dimensions, paused to cuss
until he’d roughed out – while preparing tea -
the awkward bits of Relativity.

He had united warped SpaceTime with mass
by looking at curved shoulders in a glass
egg-timer . . . . HIS EGGS! Much eggboiltime had passed!
He rose. Too late! There came a massive blast.
Das wasser, er hat alles off geboiled!
His eggs were much, much worse than merely spoiled.
They were red hot. The kitchen filled with smoke!
Eggs, saucepan, saucepan-lid and cooker, broke.
Shards of eggshell like bullets through his hair,
but Albert, flushed with triumph, did not care.
The kitchen ceiling sprayed with hard-boiled egg
didn’t take Albert down one single peg.
What are three eggs but eggs? They can be spared,
for shattered eggs prove E equals m C squared!

Two Big Bang moments! One earth-changing day!
He works out Relativity, then straight away
explodes an Atomic Egg Bomb.  Oh Hurrah!

Professor Albert Einstein, you’ll go far!

Sep 12, 2010


trim, stay 
slim in this
atomic age!
Skim those deposits
of radioactive lint
from your belly-button's rim.
And never mind if then you find
you can't see the time on your wrist-watch
in the dark 'cos your navel has gone dim.

Sep 10, 2010

Big Tent Poetry. September 6th.

I was inspired by the Big Tent prompt here - "Think of something you said, then write what you should have said."  (Hmmm . . . been happening all my life, innit? Well . . . here goes!)


If only she'd said
"Please use a condom," this pram
would be a push-bike.

Sep 3, 2010

Once again FTSE fits his response to a well-known tune. Listen to King Louis, or Pet Clark, or hear it belted out at ten-to-six . . . .  

that doesn't look quite right.  Oh well . . . 

I've got rid of my clapped-out PC.
For as far ahead as I can seeeee
I will swear by MacBooks . . 
they've such elegant looks.
Now it's Apple Mac always for meeee.

When it comes to Mac versus PC
Be it Acer, Compaq or HPeeee
Mac is top of the town,
'cos they never break down,
they're are stable, completely freeze-freeee!

I'm as certain as certain can beeee
Mac OS is not viruseee!
And their firewalls are stout,
They lock all hackers out
So no-one can steal your moneeeee!

Mac filters are something to seeee.
They work most reliabeleeee
They filter out spam
And slices of ham
And other bloggers' raspberreeee.

Mac updates update while you nap,
So the latest is always on tap.
Compared with a Dell
Mac's work very well . . . 
Make yer av'rage PC look like

System Error.btw7554  "Your browser has been disconnected from the Internet.  Upcoming Norty Word detected"
System Error.lol3421    "This author has been banned by a blog administrator."
System Error.ftse186     "And don't complain to Mrs.Trellis. She's on our side."
System Error.petc897   "Whatever is that statue behind Miss Clark doing?"