What Was That Again?

This week, Tess takes as her prompt a scene from a wonderful children's story for adults . . .

illustration by Helen Ward 

To begin with a thumping cliché - Simpleforth woke with a start.  "Wha . .?" he cried "Bodger? Wind?"  He added, largely as insurance in case he had woken up during English "Yes sir!" 

The blackboard, and Joe Plug, Head of English, B.A.(Cantab), real name Vradovic Vradovicka, came into focus. "Ahh . . I see young Simpleforth has returned to the fold. Or should I say, the River Bank. Welcome!  We were discussing the role of Badger in the operation 'Reclaim Toad Hall.' Does this ring any bells, Simpleforth, um? Um?"

Privately, Simplforth wondered why the class was required to read this juvenille shite. 'Wind in the Willows.' I ask you.

"Sir, I think he wanted to clear the weasels out of the Hall by nutting them with his stout cudgel. But . . ."

"But, Simpleforth? But?  But the class no buts and cudgel them no cudgels"  

"But cudgelling folk is old fashioned and tends to be messy. Blood spatter. That sort of thing. There are better methods."  Simpleforth was awake now. He knew the value of the dramatic pause, and paused dramatically.

"We're waiting, Major Simpleforth."

"Badger has a secret weapon, sir."  He paused again. The class turned to look at him. 

"Which is?"

"T.B.  It's all over the news, sir. Badgers spread T.B. Their droppings are the vector. So Badger should . . . "

"I think we've heard enough! Badger had his stout cudgel, and his friends, Ratty and Mole. And Mister Toad."

"But sir! Up against weasels a toad would be about as much use as a chocolate teapot. They'd make toadmince of him in no time. Probably molemince and rat, too. Only Badger would stand a chance.  He'd whack a few skulls before he went down, fighting to the last.  Whereas if he made spreading T.B parson partle of  his seige strategy . .  "

"Forgive me interrupting.  Who is Parson Partle?  I don't recollect a parson person in 'Will in the Windows'."

For a moment, Simpleforth was confounded. But only for a moment.

"Oh, sorry, sir.  I was momentarily infected, not by T.B. but by Mrs. Malaprop.  When I said Parson Partle, I meant of course 'part 'n parcel'  . . .  and you meant 'Wind in the Willows' not 'Will in the Windows' just now "

I will end here, friends and followers,  pointing out that it was Jinksy who challenged me to get 'Wind In The Willows', Simpleforth and Parson Partle into this week's Mag. She owes me twenty quid.

ONE A DAY #21

The Poem a Day Challenge invites poets to pen something new every day during April. This offering is for Day 21. 

Brave New Worlds - April 21st 1992

Two astronomers, Wolszczan and Frail
announced in a joyful eMail
"We've found a new planet! (*)
There may be no one on it -
but - fire off some nukes without fail."

(*) Orbiting a pulsar a mere 1000 light years from our Sun.  But you never know. That's in our Galaxy! The Milky Way could be swarming with dangerous Little Green Men, and what's the point of having a Second Amendment if we don't defend ourselves by bombing the bastards before they land in our backyards?

ONE A DAY #20 and MAG 165

The Poem a Day Challenge invites poets to produce a new poem every day during April. This poem fills the role One A Day #20 as well as being a response to Tess Kincaid's picture prompt for Mag 165, "Monhegan's Schoolteacher", 2004, by Jamie Wyeth.

Boys Will Be Boys 

Myself when young did long frequent
a Grammar School where boys were sent
to learn to conjugate and parse
and stab each other in the arse
with pen nibs, or launch paper darts.
This was more fun than algebra.

You need to know on the first floor,
connected by a huge locked door
there was a Grammar school for Girls -
(They're the ones with plaits and curls)
who were instructed by the Dame
to "Not go near those wicked boys"

When I progressed to Upper Fourth
a new boy came from way up North.
"Meet Simpleforth" Headmaster said.
"Show him the ropes from A to Z,
where he can hang his cap and coat.
And don't forget the toilets."

This new kid was not one of us.
You never heard him swear and cuss.
He never risked a fart in class
and never did he fail to pass
the weekly tests that Joe Plug set
on Palmerston or Gladstone.

Yet Simpleforth proved worth his keep.
He quickly found by digging deep
that, though co-ed was frowned upon
the School Rules showed there was just one
joint class where Boys and Girls could meet -
Biology!  Oh, how fitting!

We lads declared our dearest wish
was the microscope and Petri dish.
We clocked the sidelong, girlish stares
and asked them "Shall we work in pairs?"
We passed the exams lying down!
Three loud Hurrahs for Simpleforth!

ONE A DAY #19

The Poem a Day Challenge invites poets to pen something new every day during April. This offering for Day 19 is in rhyming couplets - a whole new psychedelic experience.

"Turn On, Tune In, Fall Off!"

Kids, are you well doped up?  Then I'll begin.

This guy called Hofman(*) thought he'd win

fame and fortune by researching LSD.

(Extract of Magic Mushrooms to you and me)

So he purified a small heap of the stuff -

about the size of a pinch of snuff -

- dissolved it in some freshly distilled water

and said "I wonder if I oughta

inject myself?  Forward Hofman! Only the brave

deserve a thorough going rave!"

He filled a syringe and plunged the needle in-

-to a patch of tender Hofman skin,

and pretty soon his lab began to jump about and swerve.

But Hofman kept his nerve.

Ever the scientist he wrote down all he felt and saw

including blundering through the door

that looked and felt  and smelt like treacle pud,

and turning somersaults. A colleague said "Not good!

I'd take you home to Mrs. Hofman

so you can sleep it off, Man.

But we're at war so cannot use  the car."

Hofman said "It isn't far!

So if you like

I'll take a backie on your bike."

He passed the ride with mind distorting sights,

spirals and spinning balls of coloured light

and big pink rabbits that hopped about the floor

making him happier than he'd ever felt before -
except he was sure the neighbour he knew best
was  in fact the Wicked Witch of the West.

Safely back home Mrs. Hofman said "Tut tut!

You're stoned again, you psychedelic nut!"

"True, but it's all recorded in these notes!

Look, dearest!" She read "Mushroom gets my votes."

in perfect mirror writing and upside down.

(When Hofman trips, he really goes to town.)

She shook her head and sadly turned away.

All this was long ago and far away . . .

Hop-heads still celebrate "Bicycle Day"(*) 

(*) Hofman worked for the Swiss drug firm Sandoz in Basle. He injected LSD on 19th April 1943. He reported the "trip" firstly as awful, but as he "came down"- sublime. He did ride home on the back of someone's bike, because car use was restricted during WW2.  Rumour has it that "Bicycle Day"originated in 1985 in the Northern University of Illinois to commemorate Hofman's "achievement"

ONE A DAY #18

The Poem a Day Challenge invites poets to produce a new poem every day during April, so here's a double-barrelled limerick for Day 18. 

Albert Einstein died on 18th. April 1955.  Without him, some other physicist would have discovered his Theories of Relativity, and he could then have stuck to pulling faces.

It's All Relatively Schimples!

"Space-Time(*) is quite easy my friend!
And the Deutchmark(**) will drop in the end.
My theories prove
space tells mass how to move
And mass? Mass tells space how to bend!"

"What's more, I have often averred
that E equals M times C squared.
Take one spoonful of goo,
split its atoms in two -
Hey Presto! You've demolished the world!"

(*) Einstein dreamed up this strange "object"  It is four dimensional and fits neatly into the Klein Bottles I have discussed in another place.

(**) We usually say "Penny."  But she might be miffed at being included in these unruly limericks.


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ONE A DAY #17

Today I came over all serious.  You'll find Day 17's poem here.

ONE A DAY #16

The Poem a Day Challenge invites poets to produce a new opus every day during April, so here's an offering for Day 16. 

Poor Luther

His ninety-five points made them squirm,

and because he would not come to terms

with the unreformed Church

that he'd left in the lurch

they fed him a Diet of Worms



On April 16th 1521, Martin Luther was cross examined by the Holy Roman Emperor on charges of fly-posting handbills on a church door in Wittenberg.  (He protested against the curious idea that you could redeem your sins by buying "indulgences".  The indulgence salesmen objected, naturally.)

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ONE A DAY #15

The Poem a Day Challenge invites poets to produce a new opus every day during April, so this is an offering for Day 15.   And for Kerry O'Connor's recent challenge from the Imaginary Garden With Real Toads

Daffodils: Takes 2.

He claimed that lonely as a cloud
he wandered o'er the vales and hills.
He rambled how he saw a crowd
of yellow dancing daffodils.
Imagine Willie, arms outstretched
cavorting through the pretty flowers, 
the silly pirouetting wretch -
then lying on his couch for hours.

Except he was not by himself!
His faithful Dot was by his side.
Some say she wrote that dreadful verse
and Willie found it on her shelf.
Whatever. Can it be denied
they never penned a poem worse?

Wordsworth's biographers suggest that his sister Dorothy accompanied William on his lakeside walk that fateful morning. (April 15th., 1802.)

ONE A DAY #14

The Poem a Day Challenge invites poets to produce a new work every day during April, so this is an offering for Day 14

Phew! Some Day That Was! 

"Titanic" struck a big lump of ice.
Wilkes Booth shot Lincoln. Not nice!

 And you could all look

 at Webster's word book

 if it hasn't been eaten by mice.

Notable April 14ths.

1865.  John Wilkes Booth, an actor and a Confederate spy shot US President Abraham Lincoln during the interval of a performance of "Our American Cousin" in Ford's Theatre, Washington DC. Lincoln died the next day.

1912.  RMS "Titanic" on its maiden voyage from Southampton UK to New York, sailing under full steam in hope of claiming the Blue Riband, collided with an iceberg.  Holed below the waterline, the ship sank in the early hours of the following day to the mournful strains of Celine Dion wailing "My Heart Will Carry On."

1828.  Noah Webster took out copyright on the first edition of his enduring Dictionary.

ONE A DAY #13

The Poem a Day Challenge invites poets to produce a new work every day during April, so this is an offering for Day 13, which teams up with Tess Kincaid's Mag 164. 

Will Love Find a Way?

"It's great overlooking the town!
 But say, dearest, why do you frown?"
 She replies, "Well, I fear
 now that we're up here
 I cannot see how we get down."









Spring, 1935 by Kuzma Petrov-Vodin 

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ONE A DAY #12

The Poem a Day Challenge invites poets to produce a new work every day during April, so this is an offering for Day 12 (with apologies and acknowledgements to the late, great William Topaz McGonagall)

The Broughton Footbridge Disaster

Beautiful footbridge o'er the River Irwell
alas you did not last very well
but no lives were lost I'm happy to tell
on that terrible day in 1831
although a squad of squaddies didn't have much fun.

A troop of the 60th rifle corps
were returning on April 12th from Kersal Moor
where they had that day been exercising
and now looked forward to reclining
at home in Pendleton amd Salford
but soon were to wish there was a ford
to cross the stream rather than a bridge for feet.
The Broughton folk soon heard the beat

of one hundred and forty eight marching boots
going left-right left-right along the route -
a drumming sound that seemed to yell
"This will knock down the footbridge of Irwell!
Their rhythmic step will resonate
with the bridges girders. This really isn't so great."

And soon the folk of Broughton were proved right
and the bridge engineers turned white.
They heard a sound like a pistol or musket shot
and all of a sudden the bridge was not
any longer across the silvery river
but in it. A bolt had snapped in two! A sliver
of shattered steel had plunged the men
into the Irwell (nicknamed "Inky" d'ye ken?) (*)

But I'm happily in a position to tell
that no soldier was drowned in the foul Irwell
but some had broken arms and legs
which surely this important question begs
"If the stronger our footbridges we do build
our troops will have less chance of being killed?
And simply by telling our infantry men to 'break step!'
we could surely give our British footbridges more pep."

(*) 'Stinky' as well as 'Inky'!  I should know. I  crossed the Irwell every day on my way to school.

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ONE A DAY #11

The Poem a Day Challenge invites poets to produce a new work every day during April, so this is an offering for Day 11

On April 11th 1079 Bishop Stanislaus of Krakov was executed by order of Boleslaw II of Poland.

Salad Daze

Cried Boleslaw, "I heard what you said
you horrible wee cleric ned!
My title is 'Boleslaw'
but you called me 'Coleslaw'
The penalty? Off with his head!"


Footnote.  Boleslaw II was nicknamed Boleslaw the Generous.  Hmmm! 

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ONE A DAY #10

The Poem a Day Challenge invites poets to produce a new work every day during April, so this is a late offering for Day 10.

On April 10th 1710 the "Statute of Anne" came into force. This was Britain's earliest attempt to create Copyright Law to protect so-called "intellectual property" including blogs!  Disgruntled authors who suspected plagiarism or downright theft could henceforth seek redress in the Courts.

You Have Been Warned!

This is Doctor Footsie's proud boast
effective from coast to far coast.
"If you pinch my work
don't expect me to shirk
from spreading your guts on my toast."

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GARDEN WITH TOADS and ONE A DAY #9

This haiku was prompted from IGWRT by Margaret Bednar and Chelsea's abstract artwork.

The Poem a Day Challenge invites poets to produce a new work every day during April, so this is an offering for Day 9 also

Tone Poem

It's Webern-musak?

Schoenberg? Or Burt Bacharach

on Magic Mushrooms?

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Mag 163 and ONE A DAY #8

This week's poetry prompt from the Willow Manor is Degas' "Woman with a Towel"

The Poem a Day Challenge invites poets to produce a new work every day during April, so this is an offering for Day 8 also

She looks like she's given up hope
of finding her lost bar of soap.
"If on it I slip
 and go arse over tip
 I really would feel such a dope."

Woman With a Towel, 1898, Edgar Dega

ONE A DAY #7

The Poem a Day Challenge invites poets to produce a new work every day during April. 

It's April 7th, A.D. 451 and we'll all be murdered in our beds . . .

Man the Battlements!

This could be as bad as it getz
I'd advise you guys not to lay betz!
It won't be much fun
when Attila the Hun
lays waste to the city of Metz.

ONE A DAY #6

The Poem a Day Challenge invites poets to produce a new work every day during April. 

On April 6th 1199, King Richard I of England met a horrible fate. 

Ouch!

An arrow struck Maj in the shoulder
and before he was very much older
the wound became gangrenous
and that can be dangerous -
while his shoulder turned green he turned colder.

ONE A DAY #5

The Poem a Day Challenge invites poets to produce a new work every day during April. 

April 5th strikes terror into the hearts of all Tax Fearing Britons

'Ere We Go Again!

The end of another tax year!
The Assesments we all hold so dear
will hit the hall floor -
It's a terrible bore
And the late-payment fines are severe.

For readers outwith the UK . . it's true! Our tax year runs from April 6th to April 5th next year.  I blame  Henry VIII - probably.

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ONE A DAY #4

The Poem a Day Challenge invites poets to produce a new work every day during April. 

On April 4th 1581 an infamous British sailor-pirate was knighted by Queen Elizabeth I,  on completing the first recorded circumnavigation of the Earth.

Arise, Sir Francis!

"We hear you've sailed all the way round.
 You'll be glad you are back on firm ground -
 Did we just hear you murmur
 'She means terra firma'
 Then off with your head, cheeky hound!"

In fact Drake died of dysentery, possibly brought on by the Queen's threat . . .

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ONE A DAY #3

The Poem a Day Challenge invites poets to produce a new work every day during April. 

On April 3rd 1885 Gottlieb Daimler was granted a German patent for an internal combustion engine. He installed it in an old stagecoach - which he claimed was a present for Frau Daimler - so his competitors wouldn't know what he was up to . . . .

Wunderbar!

He called it his "Grandfather Clock"(*)
and challenged all-comers to mock.
He said to himself
"It's too tall for the shelf -
 Und ich think nichts gegegen zu wok"

(*)  You can check this out on WIKI.

ONE A DAY #2

The Poem a Day Challenge invites poets to produce a new work every day during April. 

#2.  (Hans Christian Anderson was born on April 2nd. 1825)

  Problem Solved

"Those ducklings are UGLY," said Hans.
"I think I should rethink my plans."
 He stared at the ceiling
 (Poets all know that feeling . . )
 Then he turned all his ducks into swans.

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ONE A DAY #1

The Poem a Day Challenge invites poets to produce a new work every day during April.  A tall order! But I suspect whoever set the challenge had their tongue in their cheek.  So I call their bluff!

I'm No Fool.

For a while I felt terribly cursed.
This Challenge was really the wursed.
A poem a day
Till the month turns to May?
Ah!  Got it!  It's April the Fursed.


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OUTSIDE IN

Peggy Goetz from IGWRT asks us this week to write on the subject "Going Outside"

Klein, a maths man, made a bottle
Made it with the outside inside
Made it with the inside outside
Made it with just one side only.
Folk said, "Klein, that's pure baloney.
Bottles all have two sides. Outside
where the milk is not. The inside
keeps the milk from off the table
Klein said "But my bottle's able
to keep milk in both "in" and "out" sides
'cos my bottle's got just one side"  (*)
Strictly it's a 4-D bottle,
weird enough to make you throttle
Doctor Footsie!  "Just get a grip!
His bottle's a 4-D Mobius Strip!"

(*) See picture.  Skilled knitters can knit 'Klein Bottle' hats, which can be worn inside or outside, but not inside out, this being a condition that makes no sense to Klein Bottle fanatics.

Aaarrgghhhh!

G-Man looks for 55 word fictional taxi-rides this week

She ran, quaking in terror. A cruising taxi! "Thank God!" she whimpered, flagging it. She scrambled into the back seat. "Anywhere!' she cried. "Just get me away!  That man following me - he had no features!  No eyes, nose, mouth!  His face was perfectly smooth!  Like an egg!"

The driver turned to her.  "You mean . .  like mine!"

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Complaint.

Tess offers this complex allegorical picture for our Mag prompt this week.

Between Heaven and Hell, 1989 by Jacek Yerka 

"Do we have to have our wedding photograph on the kitchen wall?"

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