DNA retrieved from some bones found under a Leicestershire carpark are said to be those of King Richard III, said to have been killed at the Battle of Bosworth Field, 22nd. August 1485. His horse got lost in the battle, hence his plea "A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse." But there are no reports of DNA from his horse, and without that, where are you?(*) At this point, all written histories say Richard was killed by Henry Tudor's scoundrels. Not so! One of Richard's troops, seeing the kingfree horse cantering off towards Market Harborough, offered him his bicycle. But Richard had never learned to ride and just kept going round in circles till he fell off.
"Sire," someone else in the melée called out. "Have mine! It has stabiliser wheels. You will be no more unhorsed, or should I say, unbicycled."
The King needed no second bidding, and, mounting the bike in a trice, pedalled around the carpark doing his monarchial bit. He soon realised that the bicycle was a mere 8 hands high whereas Henry's horses were upwards of 14. So all he needed to do was reach up, seize their riders by the chausses and unhorse them! Schimples! Then he nutted them with the tyre pump. In this way the tide of battle turned in Richard's favour, a circumstance which every historical account of the battle has failed to note.
After the battle, drinking a well-deserved cup of tea - a ceremony that persists to this day - Richard enquired "Where is the saviour who lent me his bicycle?" A footsoldier, having neither horse nor bicycle, stepped forward and bowing deeply before the King, acknowledged ownership.
"And thou art?"
"Oswald Simpleforth, sire"
"Then, because I owe thee my kingdom, Oswald Simpleforth, I shall dub thee Knight. Kneel, good sir!"
So Oswald knelt and the King laid his sword first on one shoulder then the other (**) - a ceremony that persists to this day - and said, "Arise Sir Oswald Simpleforth. Henceforth thou shalt bear on thine armorial these beknighted initials - S.O.S, for thou hast saved my kingdom and doubtless my soul."
This acronym also persists to this day and has been translated into 173 languages including Norse and Morse.
But that is not the end of the story. As further reward, the King granted Sir Oswald lands and manors in the County of Worcestershire, at Stourport-on-Severn. So Sir Oswald became Sir Oswald Simpleforth of Stourport-on-Severn, and his armorial thereafter bore the initials S.O.S S.O.S - another tradition that persists to this day.
(*) The horse DNA found recently in burger meat was from a different horse. Def.
(**) Drunken kings should not attempt this manoeuvre.
"Sire," someone else in the melée called out. "Have mine! It has stabiliser wheels. You will be no more unhorsed, or should I say, unbicycled."
The King needed no second bidding, and, mounting the bike in a trice, pedalled around the carpark doing his monarchial bit. He soon realised that the bicycle was a mere 8 hands high whereas Henry's horses were upwards of 14. So all he needed to do was reach up, seize their riders by the chausses and unhorse them! Schimples! Then he nutted them with the tyre pump. In this way the tide of battle turned in Richard's favour, a circumstance which every historical account of the battle has failed to note.
After the battle, drinking a well-deserved cup of tea - a ceremony that persists to this day - Richard enquired "Where is the saviour who lent me his bicycle?" A footsoldier, having neither horse nor bicycle, stepped forward and bowing deeply before the King, acknowledged ownership.
"And thou art?"
"Oswald Simpleforth, sire"
"Then, because I owe thee my kingdom, Oswald Simpleforth, I shall dub thee Knight. Kneel, good sir!"
So Oswald knelt and the King laid his sword first on one shoulder then the other (**) - a ceremony that persists to this day - and said, "Arise Sir Oswald Simpleforth. Henceforth thou shalt bear on thine armorial these beknighted initials - S.O.S, for thou hast saved my kingdom and doubtless my soul."
This acronym also persists to this day and has been translated into 173 languages including Norse and Morse.
But that is not the end of the story. As further reward, the King granted Sir Oswald lands and manors in the County of Worcestershire, at Stourport-on-Severn. So Sir Oswald became Sir Oswald Simpleforth of Stourport-on-Severn, and his armorial thereafter bore the initials S.O.S S.O.S - another tradition that persists to this day.
(*) The horse DNA found recently in burger meat was from a different horse. Def.
(**) Drunken kings should not attempt this manoeuvre.
Hehehe! A gladsome tale of great historical interest- especially to one who, like the hapless King, never learned to ride. I know at first hand, circling until the point of falling off gets one nowhere fast!
ReplyDelete"Glasdome. Hapless" - now they're a real Richard the Third's words!
DeleteWhich probably gives some indication of my actual age...
DeleteOr perhaps it's important that close to my house there stands a 'Bosworth Middle School' - it may give me a special kinship on a subliminal level with King Richard's vocabulary?!
Caution! Brain malfunction! Make that BOSMERE Middle School. lol
DeleteAhhh! That maybe explains why you can't ride a bike . . . eh?
DeleteOh, I CAN dear Doctor - but only in circles!!! Falling off was an extra entertainment for the troops...
DeleteHahaha - I have sooo much to learn about British history! (by the way, in the States we call them 'training wheels').
ReplyDelete. . and I think you also call them "tires". I've said it before . . ever since you guys pinched our American Colonies, yer Inglish 'as bin goin' ter pot.
DeleteYes, bike tires, but the little ones clamped on to the sides are training wheels. And as for our Americanese, I dunno wha'ca talkin' 'bout!
DeleteI haven't been here in awhile, but sooo funny! I had heard about the horse meat in burgers in the UK. How does it taste? I doubt like chicken....I really enjoyed your "tale" this morning. SOS....hilarious!
ReplyDeleteBTW I hate any and all verification codes! I'm not a machine, but I can't seem to decypher them all the same. Maybe I am a machine? I finally had to turn on the comment moderation because of all the spam bots putting stupid comments with links to awful places on all my blogs old and new. I hate to have had to do that, but this is becoming another problem on Blogger.
ReplyDelete