Jan 2, 2012

The Unusual Suspects

Tess gives us this Marina Moevs picture "River" to jolt us out of our New Year torpor.
We have met Simpleforth before. He has moved to the United States where we find him being apprehended for questioning whilst amusing himself by still waters.


"Now see here, Simpleforth - you wanna make stones skip across the river and what happens?  You hit a shed.  I mean, how big was the stone, for Chrissake?  Big enough to tip one shed over and pulverise another?"
"Wasn't a stone."
"Not a stone? What then?"
"Hand grenade. Army surplus. Four second fuse."
"I'm tempted to ask what you were doing skipping a freakin' hand grenade. Things gotta be flat to skip properly. They aren't flat, hand grenades, Simpleforth. They're all . .  all kinda . . kinda . . "
"Nubbly?"
"If you say so. Alright. Nubbly."
"And I wasn't trying to skip it."
"You weren't trying to skip a nubbly freakin' hand grenade? So what were you trying to do that you turned one of those fine wooden sheds to kindling and tipped up the other?  Don't tell me you were trying to hit the freakin' shed!"
"No - "
"So what were you doin'?"
"I was fishing."
"Fishin'? Now I know I'm gonna regret this. Tell me. How do you fish with a hand grenade."
"Easy.  You pull the pin and chuck it in the water.  I goes off, and . . "
"You fragg the freakin' fish?  You're on thin ice here, Simpleforth, you know that."
"It doesn't fragg the fish. It blows them out of the water and stuns them and you just pick them up off the bank. Well known fact."
"I'm starin' at you hard, boy. I get a feelin' you're haulin' on my leg."
"Would I do that?"
"Is water wet?  But let's go down this here bomb-the-freakin'-fish road.  How come this dumbass angling demolished a fine upstandin' shed property of the National Park authority?"
"Ah well now!  You must blame Barnes-Wallis for that."
"Don't push me any harder, Simpleforth!  Who's this what's-his-name . . "
"Barnes-Wallis.  In World War Two. He invented the bouncing bomb . . "
"Now hold it right there Smartass. You think you can talk your way out of blowin' up the Park Rangers' refuge by draggin' in World War Two and bouncing bombs and some Wallace Barnes dude."
"But that's what happened here.  I tossed the hand -grenade sort of side-on, right? It hit the water and bounced. Twice. Just like Barnes-Wallis said. Google 'bouncing bomb'. Anyway, the grenade bounced off the water and through the shed window. Totalled it and put the other into lean-to mode. It still stands, but with difficulty."
(Long pause)
"Does that really work? That bomb the bouncing barn thing? That sounds real cool. Look . . there's still another half-assed shed. Bit weakened but still on its feet.  You got any more of them freakin' grenades?"
"Funnily enough . . . "

25 comments:

  1. "It hit the water and bounced. Twice. Just like Barnes-Wallis said."
    Ah yes, I well remember the movie. Very nice post. FTSE. Bonne annee...

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  2. Just opening your blog made me laugh......
    this just did me in!

    Loving it here!
    Can't wait to return!

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  3. Loved it and laughed all the way through, particularly at the bouncing bomb... yes google it!

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  4. Christine . . only 8,140,000 Google "hits" for "bouncing bomb" including YouTube clips from the movie "The Dambusters"

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  5. I really liked this, and it's certainly different! (BTW thanks so much for your help vis a vis posting - it worked!)

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  6. haha being from the sticks...around here they use dynamite....fun story....smiles.

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  7. Thanks Brian. I had to reject the more usual fishing-with-dynamite. The sticks don't bounce!

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  8. Oh my! Now where is a grenade when I need one? Wonderful writing .......

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  9. This was a movie? Bouncing hand-grenade I'm thinking The Dirty Dozen? Either way I have never heard of a bouncing bomb before! Learn something new everyday...you got any more? There's this shed...

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  10. chiccoreal . . the movie was called "The Dam Busters" Tells the story of the RAF's low-level bombing raids using bombs that literally bounced on the reservoir surfaces to impact German dams in the industrial district of Germany (the Ruhr) towards the end of World War 2.

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  11. I never know what I will get when I read your blog, but I'm never disappointed! Thanks again for the chuckle!

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  12. Don't know why, but upon opening your page had the urge to start talking like Arte Johnson from Laugh-In "Verrrry interesting, but...'shtupid!!" Actually did find this fun and interesting, mixing some fact with fiction! Enjoyed the read!!

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  13. Skipping hand grenades. Well, I never... but I'm sure it happens in the upper states.

    You are quite amusing. : )

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  14. I'm glad you cleared up the grenade/dynamite with Brian - I had only ever heard of dynamite before too.

    Re Barnes-Wallace a realtive of his (niece perhaps?) used to live in a neighbouring village a while ago - very interesting people!

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  15. We both skipped stones, my dear..but mine just took down illusions! Sheds just lie there.
    Simpleforth...welcome to America!

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  16. lol, nice dialog...kinda Americanish O.o

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  17. Loved IT! Put a smile on my face, MR Simpleforth

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  18. Thanks for making me smile ... very amusing :-)

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  19. My ribs hurt from laughing! Thanks for such a wonderful post. BTW, I love to fish, so perhaps I should visit an army surplus store!

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  20. What makes me want to try this? Very clever and fun!

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