Oct 1, 2010

Triple forte

Have you noticed the Town Crier
has all but disappeared?
If the wages were much higher
the job might be revered
and unemployment fall
as one an all
competed for each magnivocal post.
(Your shout must be heard from coast to coast)

I woke. Careful not to make a fuss
I tiptoed to the window of the bus . .
(Oh, did I forget to say
I'd nodded off on my way
to the Job Centre
with glowing references from my mentor?)

Observe from the top-deck's lofty height
not a single Town Crier in sight!
Oh joy! 'Tis the right time to apply.
I think I stand a chance
of the job.  I really fanc-
-y the big brass handbell,
that and the awesome tricorn hat . . .
further . . . it's been my lifelong wish
to bang on in the street about the price of fish
and bits of local news like that.
Alright, I know you're thinking "Prat!"
But I long since guessed
I wouldn't need to wear
costume for costume parties,
would I? I'd be ready-dressed.
So there!

Already I suspect
you're preparing brickbats.
That is your democratic right.
But if you expect-
orate on my shiny Crier's shoes
one stentorian "OYEZ, OYEZ!"
will blow you clean away.
And remember - when I use
my hundred decibel "NOW HEAR THIS!"
every village Miss
will stop to wish me well,
saying "Oh Man, you ring MY bell"
Mums with prams and joggers with dogs in tow
will mutter "A waste of space!" and "I don't know!"
Mockers beware!  I'm rehearsing my dreaded cry


  1. Sounds as though you'd be perfect for the job, Doc!

  2. I'm voting for you as town crier - only because you've got the hang of it!

  3. You seem to have all the right trappings for the job.

  4. I hear you, I hear you! You can stop ringing the bell now, too...

  5. This is a romp through an alternative universe all right...

    As a singer, I would fear for my voice.

    I might offer a small suggestion. Leave "the end is nigh" for a last ditch strategy. You can't use it but once, and you had better be right or you'll be fired and sued.

    You realize that our poor bruised world has it's fair share of doomsayers who are all to a man busy living down their declarations at this time, but perhaps saying they'll get it right next time, and soon.

  6. If you came to my part of the world I would hire you on the spot. We need someone to warn us about the snakes and crocodiles.

  7. Just apply for a newscaster position...it's the same thing!
    Very unique and imaginative idea.

  8. "The end of the world is nigh" - in Germany 1954 the Hit "On 30th May is Doomsday" became THE No 1 Hit - if you need the sheet music for you to sing - just CALL me!

  9. 'not a single town crier in sight' - surely the saddest line in the world?

    Bring on the town criers!


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