Feb 12, 2013

"TIll the Right Time Comes . .

. . . Never Mind Romantic Illusions"


He thinks "Would be great to defrock it!
Perhaps, if I bought a wee locket
with her picture in it
promise never to bin it . . .?"
She thinks "Watch me pick this jerk's pocket."



Tess's prompt reminded me of the scene in the 1994 Linda Fiorentino film "The Last Seduction", where she picks up the fall guy for her con-trick.  Other bloggers will have taken a worthwhile view of the prompt . . . a picture by Joseph Larusso.

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Feb 9, 2013

Stop Horsing Around!


Horse Meat (*) 

The explanation for horsemeat in burgers, lasagne, etc is really quite schimples! These newstyle victuals are made from horseflesh sourced in Romania (allegedly). The Romanian butchers have misheard a crucial word and have accordingly interpreted UK burger requirements somewhat loosely.

Let me help them.  The UK isn't in HORSETERRITORY,  lads, it's AUSTERITY, like in Grease, (oops, sorry  - GREECE!).   

Sorry to beef about this. But get it right, eh?

(*)  Does that look yummy, or what?  

Feb 8, 2013

Name That Child

G-Man asks for 55 words on a regular weekly basis.  I pick up the theme of his own effort which you can find on his blog, HERE.



Mr. and Mrs. Cart wanted to name their son after a prominent American such as "Abraham", "Stormin'", "Ulysses", “Babe” or “Oliver”.  "How about” said Mrs. Cart "That guy who said the Martians were invading. Played Harry Lime in 'The Third Man'?"  "Brilliant" said Mr. Cart "Orson! That's agreed then . . ." 

(So - welcome to the world, little Orson Cart)

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Feb 7, 2013

MayDay! MayDay!

   DNA retrieved from some bones found under a Leicestershire carpark are said to be those of King Richard III, said to have been killed at the Battle of Bosworth Field, 22nd. August 1485. His horse got lost in the battle, hence his plea  "A horse!  A horse!  My kingdom for a horse." But there are no reports of DNA from his horse, and without that, where are you?(*)   At this point, all written histories say Richard was killed by Henry Tudor's scoundrels. Not so! One of Richard's troops, seeing the kingfree horse cantering off towards Market Harborough, offered him his bicycle. But Richard had never learned to ride and just kept going round in circles till he fell off.
   "Sire," someone else in the melée called out. "Have mine! It has stabiliser wheels. You will be no more unhorsed, or should I say, unbicycled."
   The King needed no second bidding, and, mounting the bike in a trice, pedalled around the carpark doing his monarchial bit. He soon realised that the bicycle was a mere 8 hands high whereas Henry's horses were upwards of 14. So all he needed to do was reach up, seize their riders by the chausses and unhorse them! Schimples! Then he nutted them with the tyre pump. In this way the tide of battle turned in Richard's favour, a circumstance which every historical account of the battle has failed to note.

   After the battle, drinking a well-deserved cup of tea - a ceremony that persists to this day - Richard enquired "Where is the saviour who lent me his bicycle?" A footsoldier, having neither horse nor bicycle, stepped forward and bowing deeply before the King, acknowledged ownership.
    "And thou art?"
    "Oswald Simpleforth, sire"
   "Then, because I owe thee my kingdom, Oswald Simpleforth, I shall dub thee Knight. Kneel, good sir!"
     So Oswald knelt and the King laid his sword first on one shoulder then the other (**) - a ceremony that persists to this day - and said, "Arise Sir Oswald Simpleforth. Henceforth thou shalt bear on thine armorial these beknighted initials - S.O.S, for thou hast saved my kingdom and doubtless my soul."
   This acronym also persists to this day and has been translated into 173 languages including Norse and Morse.

     But that is not the end of the story. As further reward, the King granted Sir Oswald lands and manors in the County of Worcestershire, at Stourport-on-Severn.  So Sir Oswald became Sir Oswald Simpleforth of Stourport-on-Severn, and his armorial thereafter bore the initials S.O.S S.O.S - another tradition that persists to this day.

(*)   The horse DNA found recently in burger meat was from a different horse. Def.
(**)  Drunken kings should not attempt this manoeuvre. 



Feb 4, 2013

More Years than I Care to Remember . . .

Tess offers us a picture which apart from the scaffolding, gives the memory-bank a huge jolt.


Central Library, Manchester, U.K., by Robin Gosnall 

How many years? Before the internet consumed our lives.  Before satnav helped us drive to the wrong branch of IKEA and mobile phones helped us send for help to get home again. Before decimalisation of UK currency. Before Lennon and McCartney took pop by the scruff of the neck and gave it a much-needed shaking - remember David Whitfield and Alma Cogan?  Googleclue: I had just started my 2nd. Year as a student at Manchester University when the Russians launched Sputnik 1.

I studied and slept many an evening and Saturday morning in Manchester's Central Reference Library. It's circular - the picture doesn't show this to good effect - and the main reading hall within was round also.  I remember the leather seated chairs and the wide tables that were arranged to radiate out from the desk where the assistants in white overall coats scurried about fetching and carrying reference works for the students. I remember quite a lot about the heat-treatment of steel; not much about the rare-earth metals. 

The library basement housed a lovely little theatre (about 300 seats) called unsurprisingly "The Library Theatre." There, for not very much if you had a student matriculation card, you could see the work of Tennessee Williams, Arthur Miller, Samuel Beckett, Berthold Brecht, J.B.Priestley the blunt spoken Yorkshire playwright, and many more, performed by - equally unsurprisingly! - the "Library Theatre Company."  Wonderful! Just wonderful!

The Library was about 2 minutes walk from the Free Trade Hall where you could hear the Hallé Orchestra under the late, great Sir John Barbirolli playing - typically - an overture, 2 symphonies and a concerto for a student ticket price of 30 "old" pence, (called "half a crown" or 2 shillings and sixpence in those days) - 12 and a half pence (~20 cents) in today's money. These concerts were given on mid-week evenings. They were called "Industrial" concerts, which Sir John instigated so that just about anyone could afford to hear great classical music played by one of the world's leading orchestras.  Did I say wonderful?

And then it was but a short stroll back to College, to drink beer or play darts, to eventually be examined, pass muster, and graduate, and go forward into life, no longer protected from it, and not  fully understanding what happiness is until we had left it behind. 


Feb 1, 2013

You Big Boy. Me tease!

G-Man wants 55 words of Friday Flash Fiction and this week "flash" seems kinda well suited.  So here's a 55 word action packed drama . . .



Dramatis Personae:  

Sticky Vicky  (SV)
Big Boy         (BB)

Scene:   Outdoors, mid-west  

SV:   Over here, Big Boy. Do something for me.     
BB:  (Addressing audience)  I'm gonna score with Sticky Vicky!  
SV:  Want to do me a favour?  
BB:  (Approaching, unzipping)  This is it!
SV:   Gonna let me flick ash into the turnups of those dumb jeans?  

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Jan 28, 2013

Making Ends Meet

Tess gets us going this week with a grayscale . . .


A cash-strapped young lady called Charlotte
thought "I don't fancy being a harlot.
It would be far from funny
trading favours for money  . . .
So I'll flog my LP's down the car-lot!"



Many more Mags over at Willow Manor.

Dec 16, 2012

Abandoned!

Once again Tess intrigues our Muse with this photograph by Andy Magee




















My folks said "Let's go for a run!"
But a run in the rain?- that's no fun.
Now they've left me alone
and I've no mobile phone
and I'm wondering when
I will see them again
or will a big tow-truck come,
fix a chain to my bum
haul me off to the pound
where I'll just lie around
till I'm turned all to rust.
That would be most unjust!
A car is for life, not for Christmas!

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For more responses to the prompt follow this link.

Dec 9, 2012

Mappa Mundi

For Mag 147, Tess prompts us via her rear-view mirror . . .





The lady is looking her best
dressed in her cartographer's vest.
If her haute couture map
is an all-around wrap -
imagine her American Midwest!










Many more Mag entries, most of which have considerably more literary merit, are to be found HERE.


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Dec 2, 2012

Mercy! Mercy!

        "Object to be Destroyed" by Man Ray







I'm a beat-keeper still in my prime.
Destroying me would be a crime!
Here'e a much better way
to honour Man Ray -
Call me "Keeping One Eye on the Time."









Tess urges us to "Keep up with the band, you lot" with her prompt for Mag 146.