"Ah! There you are, Simpleforth. Tuesday 11a.m. Should you not be in a physics class?"
"I'm doing physics, Sir. And should you not say 'Here' rather than 'There' you are? I am after all here, rather than somewhere over there."
"We talk about you in the staff-room, Simpleforth. More lip than the rest of the Sixth Form put together. So - before I haul you back into School - what is the nature of this physics you claim to be doing?"
"I'm listening for coffins. You see, Sir, these days -"
"You're listening for WHAT?"
" - lots of people want to be buried with their mobile phones in case they weren't really dead when they died."
"Weren't really dead! Of course they were dead. This is a cemetery. Everyone's dead."
"You aren't dead, Sir. I'm not dead. And some of these (he points down) might not be. Then they need help. We really should try to unbury the undead. That's why I'm listening."
"You're listening, but I can't belive what I'm hearing. Please explain - the big red crystal, the car battery, those headphones and that somewhat disgruntled TV antenna."
"The signals from underground are too weak to be decoded by a mobile phone above ground. I've tried with mine, Sir, and never heard anything. The underground is a radio blackspot -"
"You never got any calls from underground on your mobile phone in a cemetery? Should you be surprised? Should I be surprised? Of course not. Nothing about you surprises your teachers anymore. This has ceased to be funny, Simpleforth."
"But sir, if you were accidentally interred because some imported doctor who couldn't speak English said you were dead and the family agreed, wouldn't you want someone to be listening when you started knocking on wood, so to speak. So I'm setting up a sort of giant crystal-set to see if I can pick up their distress signals. If it works I can hire it out to the recently bereaved so they can be on the safe side."
"Simpleforth! If you were to be numbered amongst the undead, I'm not sure I'd want to be on the safe side. Some people are better off d . . oh, never mind. Now. Back to school."
(Master seizes Simpleforth by an ear and starts to haul him away)
"Sir! Sir! Stop! I think I'm picking something up! From right below our feet . . "